Sometimes I imagine graduate school being just like undergraduate school. I'll make amazing friends, live with people I love, be active in a church community, experience new things, take advantage of freedom...

And then there are other times where I feel that graduate school will be nothing like what I imagine. It'll be hard work. It'll be actually learning complex things and defining and refining a career path. It'll be thesis writing and working part-time.

Why is it that I feel this way? Other than memorizing 80 words a day for the GREs, I've also been preparing what to write for admission essays. I decided to apply to a total of eleven schools (yowza, maybe it'll be less) and have been compiling all their admission requirements together. The gist of my statement of purpose essay has to answer the following questions:

1. What are your future career goals?
2. How will this graduate program prepare you for your career objectives?
3. Describe your previous educational and employment experiences.
4. How did your development of interest in this field come about?
5. What are your areas of interest in city planning?
6. What will be your contributions to the graduate program?

It's been so hard to even begin outlining what to write because I seriously don't even have concrete answers to any of these questions. I think I really have to sit for a day or two and reflect and contemplate why I want to pursue urban planning and what my particular passions for it are.

Another thing is that this isn't applying for undergraduate schools. These essays actually have to be well thought out, well written, and have analytical and purposeful meanings. My senior year of high school I wrote about life being my stage (both metaphorically and literally), Chinese speech, architecture camp, and journalism. RIDICULOUS!

I think I'm stressing, but wow, what is it that I want to do with urban planning!? Most graduate students average around the age of 25 years, most already having some professional experience. I barely have any and I have to compete against them? Here it goes....

When I came home from my Asian-vacation, I was greeted by massive amounts of bags and boxes filled with junk signifying my 4-years of accumulated college memories. It was like seeing two world colliding and having to figure how to mesh it all into one. I was excited, but negatively overwhelmed at the same time.

Well, it's day 3 (like, literally... I've been at it for most of every day; yesterday it was 10 hours) of cleaning, organizing, and throwing away. I've gone through 4 bags of trash and 5 bags for good-will.

I'm a sentimental hoarder. It's so hard for me to throw things away. Either I feel like I'll have a really creative way of using something later (which, usually never comes around, or I feel like the occasion is not "special enough" for the item to be used), or I'll keep something just because it reminds me of or represents a certain person or occasion.

So naturally, it's been difficult bidding farewell to past homework assignments and notes (I know, right?), stuffed animals, jewelry, random rocks and sticks (I have issues). I've been taking pictures of things I'll miss, like my Sailor Moon pencil box and my 5th grade clay human statue.

It's amazing how physical items trigger the memory. There are some things I found that I never would have thought of ever again if I had not seen them, and it's sad to throw those particular things away because it's as if you're losing that piece of memory forever. Then there are other things that I found that I don't remember at all (like a hand-painted ox-tail bone), and that's when it really gets scary to see that life is passing by so quickly and the human mind and body is just going to continue to deteriorate.

Seriously, there are some people in high school that I was pretty okay friends with and would see regularly, and now it's hard for me to even recall their names. What would we do without Facebook?

My room is 90% finished, all I have left is organizing the bathroom and then hanging up a ton of clothes. I'm on a roll!

--
On the Taiwan MRT, TWO people unusually offered their seats to me...and I realized it was because they thought I was pregnant. FML.

I'm officially moved out of Berkeley. I don't think it's hitting me yet because everything happened so quickly. These past few days have consisted of moving out boxes and bags of accumulated junk, trying to spend as much time as possible with college friends, and discovering massive amounts of mold throughout the apartment.

I know this isn't goodbye. Things actually aren't going to change that much. I'm still going to see pretty much everyone consistently, but I think life will be difficult to keep exciting. I know for sure that I'm going to fall into lethargy and apathy--I'm 30 miles away from my church community and the only consistent beings at home are a collie and a yorkie.

I'm going to miss college! It really is such a unique time in life; I really don't mind studying, and if I could, I'd be a student my whole life. I should've gone into medicine! Just keeding.

God you have grown me sooooooooo much. It's amazing, and although I know that some superficial things from the Janet four years ago haven't changed (burping, being loud, being brutally honest), it is evident that my heart has. There's still a lot more sanctification to be done, but I am encouraged that God is faithful in softening it.

For my OB class, we had to take the Jung Personality Test and I came out to be an ESFJ (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging). I guess most people categorize me as an extrovert because I can act a little cuckoo sometimes, but I've come to realize more and more that I'm a pretty reserved and shy person. Last weekend I asked my mom if I was shy when I was younger, and apparently I was, and that my babysitter suggested that I not be taken out of nursery school otherwise I would "lose touch with my current relationships with the other children due to my shyness."

How am I now? I love fading into the background. Sometimes I love not having class with people (like this semester)! I go in, don't have to save a seat, and leave with iPod in ears and with no need to wait for someone or having to talk to someone. Okay, it sounds a little cold, and I have enjoyed having friends in my classes, but wow, being an introvert is so freeing. Sometimes I just love being left alone and in my own world.

There's a huge "but" though. There's a problem... lack of relationships. I guess that's my fear--creating new relationships or making current relationships more meaningful. Relationships take work, and often I'm unwilling to foster them. My comfort zone is such a nice place to retreat to, but how can you love and minister when you're not putting yourself out there? You can't.

I have such a desire to finish strong for my LAST undergraduate semester. I want to boost up my GPA and not be overwhelmed for my last few weeks in Berkeley. However, it's quite overwhelming thinking about it. It's like trying to do everything at once. Finishing papers, completing final exam study guides, ah! It's like cramming, but way ahead the deadline. WHOA.

And I'm kind of a freak. You know that "25 Random Things" list fad that totally ended months ago? Well, I've been accumulating my list in my planner because I want it to be totally epiphany-like randomness. I'm only on number 10 and haven't added to it for weeks. How sad.

I woke up late for work today. :( Then I talked myself into coming into work twice this week. I regretted it after the words came out of my mouth--I want to relax my last possible break!

Twinkle becomes a beast in the night. She is constantly biting and nipping at my hands and neck. Sometimes I just want to throw her onto the ground to get her to stop, but then I get scared that I might do that to my future baby. I certainly hope not! Oh, me and my destructive fantasies. Please God, don't let my baby have a pair of scissors for teeth.

Today as I was about to run up the stairs, I glanced at some cookies on the dining table and imagined myself dipping those cookies into milk. Next thing I knew, I landed face first onto the hardwood steps. I laid on the ground for a good five minutes groaning about how stupid I am and now my side hurts like a mofo.

Okay now I must sleep to avoid being tardy. This confirms that I NEED two alarms.

Is it apathy? I hope not. But there's been a certain calm about everything that I do lately. Whether it be next week's readings, graduation, grad school, conversations with my family... There's an overwhelming peace and realization that I know that I'm not in control.

I'm learning and practicing flexibility--admiring the beauty of everything up in the air and trusting that God will be the hand in making everything fall into place. Living life diligently, but not anxiously... taking and savoring one moment at a time.

It feels like everything's in slow motion, and yet days are horrifically fleeting.

Reminded by a sister..
But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Reminded by the Word...
Do not trust in oppression
And do not vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase, do not set your heart upon them.

This past winter break has been extremely enjoyable. It was the perfect balance of rest, fun, and productivity.

Job searching has been tough. Tough in the sense that no one is hiring! Everyday I check the Callisto website, but the updates are slim. This has caused me to think more about graduate school. I guess sometimes I think of it as a cop out from facing unemployment, but considering it more and more, there's so much more to learn. I feel like my undergraduate degree hasn't given me much and I want to enhance my skills and knowledge. I'll probably be applying in the fall. I'm already so excited for this next semester and the new concepts I'll be learning for my city planning minor. Should be interesting.

Survivor decreased their age eligibility from 21 years old to 18 years old. My brother became an adult 2 days ago (so fastttt!) and decided to apply! Ahahaha. I became super excited and started giving him a whole lot of tips and ideas for his application submission. In one day we recorded and edited his application video and then mailed it in the next day. He said if he gets in and wins he'll give me a quarter of the money and choose me as his visiting loved one. Well, I guess I suggested it, but he agreed. :)

Random... My mom bought me this mole treatment package last summer. It's basically you can get an unlimited amount of moles removed on your body for one year. I didn't want it at first because it was pretty expensive (~$450), but when my mom insisted, I decided to accept it, but promised myself to get the money's worth. Each mole is approximately $30 to get removed. The first day I think I got 20 moles zapped (they use a laser and make the mole a scab, which falls off in a week). I came in a couple months later after carefully examining my body and circling all moles on my body and got 15ish more done. Yesterday I went in for the third time and initially circled 14 moles to get done, but ended up getting like 30. I even did blemishes on my face. So far I've accumulated ~$2100 worth of removed moles. I went zap mole crazy and there's probably still more to come. Now there are a bunch of random scabs everywhere on my face so if you see me in the next few weeks, you'll understand why my face looks ridiculous.

Some days I reflect back on life and realize how fast time is going by... and how old I'm getting. How the heck did I become 21 so quickly??

Then there are other moments when I feel young... I won a case of wine from a company party raffle. WHICH by the way was fun. I felt like I was going to prom again. Went last minute shopping at Macy's with Nate and bought a hot pink dress (on sale!), got ready at his house, and then took a few pictures in his living room. Puahah. No corsage or boutinere though. So no classic corsage/boutinere pictures. Boo. Mm.. the food (mussels.. mm.) was so good and the drinks were surprisingly good too (and I dislike alcohol!). I got to meet the CEO and Nate mingled and schmoozed right there with me. I realized I'm a very non-confrontational person. I hate putting myself in awkward situations. Honestly, I just wanted to stay in one place and just talk to Nate the whole time. But then, Nate was pushing/encouraging me to talk to people and said that I should have "goals" for the party. Well, I surpassed my goal of meeting/talking to 3 people and talked to... can't even remember how many!

Anyway, where was I? Everyone in the office was congratulating me about my wine and asking if I was even 21 yet. Yes, youngest one in the office. :)

The future frightens me a little. I'm somewhat expecting/dreading/looking forward to unemployment, a little sad/comforted that I'll be living at home in Fremont, and in shock that I'll most likely be married within two years. Or who knows? The Lord might come back in five minutes. It's times like these in which I'm reminded to stay faithful and to look forward to nothing but Christ's return. Man, being a Christian is such.. a.. difficult, but rewarding life.

To spend and be expended is so hard to do...